


Try.

by Mufffy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Crying, Depressed Jeremy, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It's 12am oops, Love Confessions, M/M, No one is okay tbh, One Shot, Post-Canon, Right off the bat;, SO, Self-Hatred, This is a vent, Touch-Starved, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 15:31:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13367670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mufffy/pseuds/Mufffy
Summary: Jeremy has depression. It wasn't obvious, but he did.~~~Jeremy is usually happy until something just.. sets him off.Michael shows up and makes things better.





	Try.

**Author's Note:**

> This week has been,, hard ,,, for me and., so yeah idk
> 
> I've just been down lately.

Jeremy had depression. Although it wasn't obvious, he did. You'd never have guessed it because he never shows it. he refuses to tell people and refuses to let that define who he is. He knew he wasn't the best at times and he fell out of his usual cheerful mood. Not a lot could bring him down. So he had depression. No big deal to him, but his dad was always worried his mood would randomly drop. Before his dad even considered Jeremy being depressed, Jeremy had told Michael in ninth grade. Michael had done everything in his power to keep Jeremy happy. And even though Jeremy insisted he was fine and didn't need Michael's help, Michael always did his best.

Jeremy on the other hand.. tried his best. He tried. He tried his best in school, tried to make friends, tried gaining some weight, tried being less shy, tried getting rid of his acne. He tried at everything, succeed at a few and tried his best. Michael always reminded him to say "tried his best" instead of "failed" because you can never fail if you try. If you try to make a friend and they don't like you, You tried. You didn't fail. You can never fail at something if you give it your all.

As much as Michael's words impacted Jeremy, he still felt like he failed. He failed at school, getting usual F's and D's even though he tried and got help. He failed being a good friend when he found out Michael didn't like their relationship about the squip-cident. He felt bad. He felt guilty. He felt like he failed. he failed his best friend and his dad. He isolated himself and pushed his father away. He knew it'd hurt him more than anything else, but at the time he.. honestly didn't care. He had moments where he absolutely hated his dad and other times where all he wanted to have his father hug him and talk about anything just to talk to his dad again.

But he never did. He talked to him very little and as the months went by, he talked to him more on one day and none the next. It spiked and stopped and spun. Jeremy never noticed, he didn't notice how he pushed things away and pushed random and potential friends away. After the squip-cident the popular girls and Rich and his friends became friends with Jeremy and Michael. Rich actually grew fond of the two and Jeremy liked Rich. And Jake but.. Jake didn't talk to him that much. Jeremy didn't mind anyone in the group until they asked if he was okay. He'd always say yes and dropped it at that. He didn't like talking about his feelings and became well at holding them in and not sharing his opinion.

It wasn't until Christine came out to him as aro/ace that he didn't know what was happening. He liked Christine, but wanted to break up for a while. In a way he felt as though he.. failed her. Failed at being a good boyfriend and ruined dating for her in a whole. He promised her he didn't take in a bad way and confessed about not liking her anymore and actually being Bi.. until he thought he failed again. Men weren't supposed to be as sensitive and weak as he was. Take Michael for example, he didn't let too many people's words get to him and was happy. Rich was proud of himself in most ways and Jeremy.. Jeremy was insecure. He didn't like talking to people and eventually gave up on it in a whole. He stopped texting Michael as much and stopped doing his homework. He stopped even trying to respond to his dad's jokes and skipped lunch at school to sleep in the library. He didn't even go to school some days because he didn't feel the need to get out of bed. 

It was at this point when he knew his depression was over taking him. 

He laid in bed days on end, unbothered to change his clothes or brush his hair out. He didn't bother to shower or stay awake. In the past week he's been in bed he hadn't bothered to check his phone or even plug it in. It was probably still at a high percent but.. he wouldn't check it. He hadn't bothered to eaten properly in a week, snacking on little food while he dad wasn't home. He always felt tired. His happy self not coming out much at all anymore. He didn't want to watch TV. It didn't entertain him anymore. He didn't want to get out of bed. He didn't want to do anything. He ignored his dad's knocks and let the notes pile up under the door that he father would leave. He'd ignore the plates of food his father would leave on his desk each night. He didn't even bother to hurt himself anymore. His arm's old scars finally closing up.. the only plus side about this whole thing.

He didn't even bother to think about Michael. Yeah, that boy he'd been friends with for about 14 years now? Too tired to even think about him. Six days into this down spiral of darkness he finally felt like getting out of bed and really wanted to. He felt terrible for not contacting Michael sooner. He thought about leaning over just the slightest and grabbing his phone but he just.. couldn't. He couldn't move even the slightest to grab his phone. Unlock it. Check the texts. He had heard it go off at least twenty times this week and could never bring up the courage to just pick it up. 

He took a heavy breathe. He couldn't fail at this. He can try. He can try his best. Somehow he felt himself failing. Ignoring the phone as it went off another time. He wanted to pick it up, he wanted to try but.. That took effort. And he didn't have motivation to yet. He took a breathe and took all of his motivation he could to just roll over, staring at his phone now. The screen fading back to black. A part of him thought it went off so it didn't matter but the other half told him it wasn't too late. He wasted enough time staring at it and ignoring it. He raised a hand to rub his eye and groan loudly, his other hand reaching over for it, quickly grabbing it before pulling it closer towards him.

He felt proud. Not proud enough for a smile, but enough to open his phone and cringe at how many missed texts he had in the past week. Forty-eight texts in about a week. Forty-four of which were Michael.. Jeremy took a breathe and prepared himself before checking all of them.

Wednesday -

Michael 8:12 AM: hey man, are you sick today?  
Michael 8:48 AM: im gonna guess you're sick or coming late  
Michael 12:14 PM: lunch is kind of lame without you.. christine wishes youre doing better!  
Michael 3:20 PM: should i come over or..?  
Michael 9:23 PM: night jer

Thursday -

Michael 8:11 AM: class started so im guessing youre sick again? :\  
Michael 8:23 AM: dude the chem teacher just lit his desk on fire im dying omg  
Michael 12:14 PM: hey jer, christine is getting a lil worried now  
Michael 12:16 PM: and rich is now too  
Michael 3:17 PM: are you feeling better?  
Michael 10:11 PM: night jerry

Friday -

Michael 8:14 AM: im seriously worried now.. youve been sick for three days  
Michael 8:15 AM: and looking back at all this spam is making me feel a little bad..  
Michael 8:19 AM: should i come over? and take care of you some?  
Michael 11:58 AM: i really miss you..  
Michael 12:03 PM: christine is so down she doesn't feel like eating and now Brooke is getting worried too

Christine 12:15 PM: Hey Jeremy! I really wanna know if you're okay.. you've never missed out this much and Michael is a mess. He says he's fine but he really misses you  
Christine 12:18 PM: I miss you too..

Michael 3:22 PM: i should come over but i know how you are when youre sick and I don't wanna get sick but im also super worried..  
Michael 4:20 PM: ayye  
Michael 4:22 PM: yeah i wouldnt laugh either  
Michael 9:49 PM: night jer

Saturday -

Michael 9:17 AM: morning jer! i just woke up and ugh  
Michael 12:14 PM: maybe i should come over  
Michael 12:18 PM: i might after me and the moms go shopping  
Michael 8:16 PM: i regret going with them shopping..  
Michael 8:19 PM: i promise ill stop by tomorrow

Sunday -

Michael 10:23 AM: morning  
Michael 11:20 AM: i gotta stop by my aunt's to baby sit my cousin today but ill see if i can come by today  
Michael 11:12 PM: i love my cousin but oof she wants to go anywhere and everywhere  
Michael 11:14 PM: ill try and stop by tomorrow if i can  
Michael 11:15 PM: night jer

Monday -

Michael 8:11 AM: youre still sick? for like maybe.. five days??  
Michael 8:19 AM: im real worried about you man..

Christine 9:33 AM: Hey Jer, Missing you in bio right now :(

Michael 12:18 PM: rich has officially considered breaking into your house  
Michael 12:19 PM: and now chloe is worried too  
Michael 3:18 PM: Idk if i should come over or not but im worried man  
Michael 3:20 PM: shoot me a text if im in the clear to come over?  
Michael 10:03 PM: night jer..

Tuesday -

Michael 8:20 AM: dude this is getting bad  
Michael 8:22 AM: im coming over after school and you cant stop me  
Michael 12:06 PM: everyone at the table is quiet and none of us are eating  
Michael 12:07 PM: dont tell her i told you but christine looks like shes about to cry and rich is just laying his head on the table  
Michael 12:10 PM: we all miss you jer

Christine 12:11 PM: Hey Jerry.. I really miss you and i'm super worried..

Michael 12:12 PM: please be okay tonight  
Michael 3:17 PM: hey dude, im coming over now okay?

Jeremy looked at the time on his phone. Three twenty now. It was about a ten minute drive from the school to Jeremy's house meaning he had about seven minutes to prepare or in reality about five if Michael is that worried. Jeremy sighed through his nose and rolled over again, pulling the blanket close to his nose for the next few minutes. He didn't know how much time was passing or how quickly it was passing, but he couldn't care for it right now. He had upset Michael and Christine and the whole friend circle. He figured none of them liked him, but here they all are, sad and missing him. He couldn't understand it.. Why would even of them miss him?

Jeremy looked up at his wall when he heard a knock on the door. He heard what he figured his dad's footsteps since he was the only other one in the house. He heard what assumed to be the door opening and talking. He couldn't hear what they were saying, but in all honestly he didn't want to hear them. He didn't want to hear about what they have to say or how worried they were. He was just a little down. Nothing wrong with being a little down.. He knew he was a mess. He hadn't eaten properly in a few weeks and hadn't eaten at all in a few days. He hadn't even left his bed. All he could do was sleep. He left his phone by his side and tried to go back to sleep.

When he woke up, he found himself in the light. He never bothered to turn his lights on in the past week so he knew it was morning or evening time. Around there, but this time something was.. different. He felt someone or something on his bed, a dip by his side. He was hesitant to try and open his eyes, looking up at the figure to see his best friend. The sight of his friend made him want to smile but the sight of his expression made him want to cry. Jeremy didn't know what to do. He didn't want to move, didn't feel like moving. He didn't feel like getting up and trying to talk. Huh. He hadn't talked in about a week.. He never liked the quiet in all honesty.

It must've been minutes or maybe an hour before Jeremy even moved his head to look at Michael better. Another few minutes before Jeremy moved his hand to rub his eye, this action catching Michael's attention. Jeremy looked up at Michael, feeling guilty as his friend smiled at him. Michael looked so happy and sincere.. and Jeremy's heart tugged a little at that. How come he couldn't be happy? He was able to.. His brain just wouldn't let him. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that everyone got to be happy and he didn't. He looked back up at Michael and almost smiled at Michael. 

"Hey.." Michael whispered, his voice cracking as if he were about to cry. "..Your dad told me about how you're not actually.. sick but uh.." Michael cleared his throat and glanced at the floor. Michael knew. Jeremy felt guilty he didn't tell Michael. But he couldn't really feel it all that much.. Couldn't feel much of.. anything at this point. Jeremy hummed in a response, too quiet to catch Michael's attention. He glanced back down at his phone, his finger messing with the case edge before looking at the wall.

"Yea.." Jeremy's voice was below a whisper. Weak and fragile. He hated it. He could've sworn he heard Michael's heart break just by the expression on his face. Jeremy swallowed, not wanting to speak anymore.

"Why didn't you tell me your.. Hm- Why didn't you tell me it was getting worse?" Michael's fist clenched in the bed sheets, his thumb rubbing over the side of the bed. He moved his foot across the carpet, wishing it would do something. Make Jeremy happy again? Maybe make Jeremy have just an ounce of happiness back so he could bounce back.. Maybe rubbing his foot on the carpet or running his thumb across the blanket would cure his depression and make everything okay again..

"You can say depression" Jeremy whispered, his voice only an ounce higher. He felt his eyes growing heavy. He was either about to cry or fall asleep and by the way his eyes burned he figure he was going to cry any second.

"..Why didn't you tell me? You promised me you'd come to me if it ever happened again"

"I'm fine-"

"You're not fine Jeremy! You're getting worse!" Michael's voice cracked and for the first time in almost a week Jeremy felt like crying. Not the crying you do when you're tired and just over flowing. The crying when you're actually sad. And you want to cry and feel something.. When you're tired of feeling nothing.

"..I didn't want to bother you" Jeremy's voice cracked, a tear slipping out his eye as he tried to keep the rest in. He wanted to cry so badly.. He wanted to pour everything out to Michael but just couldn't right now. Not now.

"Jerry you could never bother me.." Michael whispered, feeling pride when Jeremy sat up. Jeremy never liked moving when he was like this. Nobody did. But Jeremy could do it. Michael believed in him "Hey, look at me" Michael reached out a hand, lifting Jeremy's face a little "You're my best, I love you-"

That's all it took for Jeremy to throw himself into Michael's arms, clutching the hoodie in his small hands. His head laying on Michael's shoulder as Michael hugged him back tightly. Jeremy was warm from being under the blankets so long and Michael was cold from the snow outside. Jeremy absolutely loved how it felt. He loved to be held like this. He might've been shaking but Michael knew Jeremy was going to be okay. You're always going to be okay if you try.

"Oh Jer.." Michael mumbled, rubbing Jeremy's back

"..Michael.. W-Will you do me a favor..?" Jeremy whispered, his hands tugging on Michael's hood. It was probably choking him by now, but Michael knew it was a comfort for Jeremy.

"Anything." Michael immediately responded.

"..I want to be told i’m doing good and that someone just appreciates I’m actually trying..I just want someone to hold me..I want someone to hug me and cradle me to just tell me I’m doing okay and that it doesn’t matter if i fail because they’re still going to be there in the end and they’ll love me..I don’t even care if it’s all lies! I just want someone to lie to me, to tell me I’m actually worth something.. But i’m not, and that’s the problem- People come to me thinking i can do it but i can’t.." Jeremy's voice shook as if he were being thrown around. His hands gripped tightly onto Michael's hood and his arms felt heavy, the shoulder he'd been crying on was a shade darker then the actually hoodie itself and Michael was silent.

"You’re still around and that shows you’re doing okay. And you will be okay-"

"Except the fucking thing is i won’t be Michael! No one cares enough to just make me feel appreciated!! Do you know the last time someone has held me?! More than 5 years ago- You know why? because i AM worthless, and no one wants to put up with me.." Jeremy sighed, letting the bottled up anger fade "So i don’t come to people about my fucking problems and i sort other people’s out..I just wanna be held.. I don’t care who it is at this point, Whether it be my own father who never talks to me or be some stranger kind enough to just hold me.. I just want a hug..To just.. be held.."

Michael pulled Jeremy closer to him, the smaller boy now in his lap "Don't you ever say you're worthless again.. I don't care what you're going through but you are not worthless. You're my Jeremy and that's all that matters. I love you and that's what's important. I don't care if you think the others don't like you.. I love you. You're trying your best and that's all that's important. You're at least trying.. Remember. You can't fail if you try your best. You can't. There's no possible way you can. Now the next time something like this happens you come to me, I don't care if you feel bad about bothering me or annoying me because you never could. You're my first priority, You're above myself. And you know why i put you above myself? Because i love you.. Now stop your crying and relax a little" Michael whispered

Jeremy took a breathe and sniffled, rubbing his eyes. He couldn't tell whether Michael was lying or not but a part of him knew he was telling the truth. The whole of it. "..O-Okay.." Jeremy pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them closer to himself before rubbing his eyes again. He was thankful Michael gave him as much time as he needed. He loved the tune Michael hummed to relax himself and the way Michael rocked him. He felt like a small child again and this time, he was okay with it. He liked being fragile and sensitive. At least then he'd be treated nicely.

"..Was that true?" Jeremy randomly blurted out once he was done with crying, only trembling slightly in Michael's chest

"Which part?" Michael hesitantly mumbled back into Jeremy's curly hair. Extremely curly. Michael loved his curls.

Jeremy froze. He stopped trembling and looked down at the patch on Michael's hoodie. The small heart he bought Michael. He found his hand grazing over the small stitch work. "You loving me.."

"Yes. Every bit of it." Michael immediately whispered back. Jeremy felt his chest ache. He could've sworn he heard Michael's heart racing before he realized it was. It was loud against his ear and made him feel.. comforted. "I do love you. I've been so worried too.."

Jeremy felt a slight bit of guilt. He could've laughed a little if he could feel the motivation for it right now "..I love you too"

Michael smiled into Jeremy's hair, kissing his forehead lightly. It wouldn't be the first time that he kissed Jeremy's forehead, but it would be since they were kids. For a second Jeremy could feel something. Anxiety or pain in his chest but.. something. Like loss. He just realized he lost his best friend. Kind of. Now his head hurt. He lost his best friend, but gained a lover..? A boyfriend? No. They weren't official, but they aren't so much of best friends as they are now of boyfriends..? Jeremy groaned at the thought process and hugged Michael tighter.

"It's okay.. We can work it out later, but for now.. Can i get you something to eat? while you take a shower and wash your hair?" Michael mumbled into his hair again, this time rubbing his fingers through Jeremy's mess of curls, unable to pull his hand out for a few seconds before finally untangling them without hurting Jeremy "..Wash it really good" Michael joked, laughing a little

Jeremy could feel a smile tugging on his lips before giving in to a large grin, Michael could feel against his chest. "..I can try."

**Author's Note:**

> Oh hey, guess who got another hair cut uwu
> 
> dats right, i d i d
> 
> And it's fackin great


End file.
